Venetoulis: Trump - The War Time President.

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Conversation between President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Winston Churchill (circa Summer 1940).


W:    Sorry to interrupt you, Donald.
T:    No problem, Winnie, always great to hear from my favorite P.M.  How’s your golf game.
W:    Uh. Not well, Donald. As you know there’s a war going on…
T:    You’re kidding me.  A war.  Nobody told me.  That’s the problem around here. I’m always the last to know.
W:    Quite sorry about that.  It’s been in the papers.
T:    Fake news. Winnie.  We don’t read the papers.  Banned every damn one of them. Enemy of the people, everybody tells me.
W:    Uh… that may be Donald, but I’m calling to alert you that it’s inevitable that France will fall.
T:    France fall?  The stock? Should we sell?
W:    Not the stock.  The country.
T:        Lucky I didn’t make that Paris hotel deal.
W:    Now that the Nazi armies have swept through Europe, they will try to cross the channel.
T:    You’re not calling to blame me, are you Winnie.  It’s your channel, not mine. Hey, your buck stops with you, not with me. Anyhow, I don’t give a sh*t about your war.  You mind getting to the big stuff…you know -- something about me. Do they like me over there?
W:    Of course they like you and they would like you more if you gave us a little help fighting off Hitler.
T:    Hitler?  Who’s he?
W:    Uh…he’s a dictator. Wants to take over Europe.  A madman.  A malicious narcissist.
T.    Sounds like my kind of guy.
 W.     But we will never surrender -- we will fight them on the seas and oceans…we will fight  them on the    beaches…we will fight them on the landing grounds…in the fields…and streets…we will never surrender…  
T:    Hey that’s pretty good. Who writes your stuff. But Like I say, I’m not responsible, at all. Can’t get dragged into a war over there. Can’t piss off my base.  Hard-core isolationists.  America First you know -- Father Coughlin, Lindbergh, all these bible-thumping evangelists.  Want nothing to do with you foreigners.   
W:    But if you don’t help us fight them in Europe, you will have to fight them in America.  
T:    You got a point.  What can I do that I can say I never did it later?
W:    We’re told you have some old destroyers in dry-dock we could use.
T:    Who told you that?
W:    Speaker Pelosi.
T:    She what?  What’s she doing messing around? Presidents do war in this country not Pelosi.  Article 2.  Read it.  I do everything, anything I want.  Witch!  Too smart for her snappy pants suits.  Things are going to happen to her.
W:    Uh… if you say so, Donald…But we’d be happy to take those destroyers off your hands.  
T:    OK. But you can do me a little favor, though.
W:    What’s that sir?
T:    There’s this guy wants to run against me.  Could you investigate him for being a commy. Don’t have to really do anything, just hold press conference saying it. My Firsties hate commies.
W:    Uh, well, are you saying that if we accused your opponent of being a communist, we would get the destroyers? A quid pro quo?
T:    No. No quid pro quo.  I want nothing. But as you know I’m a businessman.
W:    But Donald. These are government destroyers, are they not?
T:    Come on Winnie.  Get real.  I’m the government.  They are my destroyers.
W:    But Donald, trading government property for our meddling in your election, doesn’t seem right.
T:    Of course it’s not right and that’s why I want nothing. Just call him a commie ratfink.
W:    But that’s a quid pro quo.
T:     Naw.  Nobody understands that Latin crap.
W:    Donald. Maybe we should meet at the White House to show Hitler that we are united.
T:    No problem.  First, one more thing.  
W:    Another favor.
T:    Of course not.  Winnie, the President of the United States never swaps the national security for some domestic political errand.
W:    Quite right, Donald, but what is it this time?
T:        Ivanka has this great jewelry stuff that would look good on the Queen if she’d like to order some.
W:    Jewelry for the Queen?
T:    Not just for the Queen but for the invitation to the White House, too.  Unless you don’t think her stuff is good enough.
W:    Oh, no sir I never said that.  It’s wonderful.  In fact I was thinking of getting something for Clementine this Christmas.
T:    So glad you guys still say Christmas over there. We’re into Happy Holiday bullshit over here.   I’ll have her call you; maybe she can work out a discount. And by the way, one more thing.
W:    Uh, what might that be?
T:        Stop talking to Nervous Nancy. Talk to Rudi. He’s my personal fixer. Or talk to Barr. He’s my inside fixer.               
 
Ted Venetoulis
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